5th chemo done

This chemo is taking a lot out of me now. I want to sleep a lot. Having balance issues, they think from the Ativan and phengren. But I haven't had Ativan in days and still having balance issues. I went grocery shopping today and it took everything out of me. I not very comfortable driving, but I did it. My son wanted me to have warm pj's. He found these duck dynasty pj's, they are one peice sleeper with ducks on the feet. So comfy glad he insisted me having.

4th down...

Having a harder time with this chemo, I was already very tired. Slept through Monday infusion and then slept through Wednesday when they put me on 2 hr fluids. The fluids is suppose to help me with my balance and blood pressure. This week my balance is still off my vision is off, I am not as tired but still am tired by 2 pm I am ready for a nap. I don't like this weak feeling that is overcoming me. The dr told me with how tired I was last week it was not from the blood levels that I need to rest more. I am trying to get the rest but I have 4 children and a husband that needs to see me uo and moving to know I am ok. Little comments that I hear let's me know my 3rd child is very scared. So I am doing all the reassurance I can for them all. 

Still not myself

I woke this morning being more of myself but as the day went on I felt bad. Tonight I cooked my favorite tacos and enchilada, but couldn't eat. I just soaked in the jacuzzi tub took some phengren  drank some ensure. Laid down...still not feeling good. All week I have been dealing with nose bleeds multiple times a day. This is on top of other side effects of the chemo. 

I hope tomorrow is better, Monday is coming fast and I am not ready for chemo again. 

3rd treatment

I had my 3rd treatment last Monday, having a harder time getting back to myself this time. The right side of my mouth and throat is sore. I can tell I am coming out of it, I was able to drink my coconut milk this morning. 

Went over to Amercican cancer society yesterday got a wig and some hats. My husband wants me to find some scarves to wear. Guess he isn't to crazy about my bald head, lol. Don't blame him I am not liking it either. I just don't like wearing the wigs all day at home. But the one I got yesterday is easier to wear all day. It is out of my face and short. As the cooler weather sets in they will be easier to wear. 

Last night I was sick not sure why, hit me out of the cold blue. I am finding that with chemo some the effects come a week after the chemo. Trying not to over do....but also not lay around to much trying find a balance.

New day...

Sport my wig for the first time. This was a huge step and very emotional. I had my hair still but it was so thin I was almost bald. Couldn't touch it, just lost more. So last night I took the plunge and baby girl and Nathan shaved me bald. They took an hour they wanted it perfect. 

   I am happy Nathan came in as Marissa was shaving, he verbalizes himself different. He wanted and needed to be apart of it. He needed to feel needed.....beyond the normal chores around the house. 

    I haven't been comfortable with walking around bald yet only my two have seen it. My husband and the other two haven't. I broke down crying when I went to walk out in the other room where they were. So I covered it up with a scarf. Then this morning a hat. When I switch to the wig I made sure hubby wasn't looking. 

  Just time to get use to it..... I know my husband loves me... Even if I don't have hair. 

Not changing

I have decided not to changing my blog until I complete chemo. The flowers from spring symbolize rebirth, promises, God made everything.

I believe God is in control of my health am of my life. But more my family!! I see changes occurring. Some I have prayed for.........not how I would have planned to answer those prayers but I am not. HIM! 

I am surrounding myself with bible verses in the truck in the tub in the kitchen in the bedroom. Anywhere so I am reminded of HIS promises.

Outdoor adventure

After the 2nd infusion

Well I was told I wouldn't be losing my hair. Guess that half true I haven't lost all of it. 😜 

This week has been rough had lots of fatigue. I ran earns Monday, Tuesday I was down I couldn't do anything even switching laundry from washer to dryer to all I had. Wednesday I felt better so my mother in law and I took the kids for an outdoor adventure. Today I was better had more energy. So hopefully tomorrow will be even better. 

 The Metropolitan Area Youth Orchestra is preparing for their first season concert. I have been able to keep up some but I am resting up and preparing for Sunday. I am also going to take a lower key at concert. I am happy to be there and be involved!!!!! It will be a very nice blessing going into Monday for my 3rd infusion.

Will post pictures of our outdoor adventure in another post.

Time?

How does time keep speeding up as we age? Hard to believe the year is almost over....
Lately I have been thinking back to the days of my children's births, the day Matthew asked me to marry him and the day I found out I was finally going to have our first child that was prayed for deeply. This are the happiest days in my life!
They make me cry, I want that youth back, especially now.

Then I look at my oldest and the man he is turning into and I am so proud of him. My second born is blossoming into a young man. I watch them as they do their school or as they are working around here and think of how blessed I am.........The Lord blessed me with four amazing children that are my pride and joy.

1 down 11 to go

I had my first chemo infusion one week today. It was an all day event; felt fine came home cooked dinner then went to bed as normal. Tuesday a different story, no one could have gotten me awake. I slept the whole entire day, only remember very small pieces of the day. I know I cooked dinner but don't recall what... Wednesday I wanted to sleep also, but it was the day to go back have the pump removed. Well as the day went on my balance went bye bye. Ended up at the dr until 6 pm on IV fluid from walking into a door and my blood pressure being low. Of course, I slept the whole entire time as my friend sat there watching. Thursday, did get up but it was rough, Friday felt more like myself. Today though was the best! I was me....getting work done not tired and was eating. I am having a side effect in my mouth (jaw) where it feels swollen and sore to open. It sounds like I am mumble when talking hurts to open my mouth to bite. So the dr called in a special mouth rinse and said Advil. The Advil is helping!!!!

My appetite was very low, Thursday I did get sick. Was so tired and needed to cook dinner that I didn't talk my nausea meds. Friday I made sure I did and when I began to feel bad I laid down for a little bit. 

I know the chemo is building up each time...but I really hope it stays this easy. 

I pray and pray that this chemo will put an end to anymore cancer in my body. Tonight as the family ate country fried steaks, mashed potatoes & gravy. I ate carrots, cranraisins, yogurt & water. I did eat a potato roll. I am working on eating plant based foods. I did have tater tots at lunch with dried mango and plums. Actually with my snacking today I probably made up for the days I didn't eat. Bummer since the one positive in having chemo is to lose all this extra weight. The goal to lose is at least another 30 lbs. I am down 20 lbs from when I started this road exactly a year ago. 

Thank you for all the prayers

Update..

Today is September 1, hard to believe this is my birthday month 45 yrs old. Not how I planned 45. 

   Port has healed nicely can barely even see that I have one. Just under the skin if the incision wasn't there you wouldn't see it.

     One week from today, I all of sudden feel a need to organize the house and get it all clean and ready. 

      My husband finally made time for us and finally opened up to me.....I am so relieved and feel his love.....it is his love that shut him down when I needed it most...but all is good. He is worried about what is about to happen just as much as I am. He said the road will be rough but we will make it....but that if at anytime the chemo gets to much open my mouth and say stop. 

  He knows that I knew after my colon resection I needed chemo and the dr said no need. Now look were I am, he knows for my sanity I have tongi this road . I don't have faith in the natural stuff, I was already eating healthy and working on weight lose. 

    I am glad and blessed I have a husband that cares enough to look out for me.

    We are both concerned with after effects of chemo and how this will never ever go away, this is apart of the rest of our life.

Lost and trying to find my in The Lord.....

I am siting outside listening to Kari Jobe....working on worshipping OUR ALL MIGHTY. Man fails us especially when we need them. 

   I have been deeply hurt and have tried all week to let go....yesterday I was disappointed he went off with Collin. I had a good day with my other 3. But I thought we were doing everything as a family. It feels as if there are 2 families under this roof at times. So I went to the store on barely anything to get us through a week. I didn't get chocolate cake. Well now I will get nothing I want, he says. I say I don't anyways. I can list them......actually I did, I know I was wrong. Well so he is back to just turning me off.....I want to scream.....I needed you where were you, your damn cake is in the same place!!!!! I need him to love me....and I don't believe he can...now that I really need him, I am wondering have I had my head in the sand. Have I just been giving him all his desires to keep peace and to get the crumbs from it. I have to look for the caring and love out of him. 

    I heard him playing on the jeep last night, I came out to take part in the fun. They stopped.....he wanted his coffee he asked for that I forgot to bring out to him.

I want to runaway....my children are what keep me from running. The urge is so bad to run......I don't know even if I ran it would effect him....he would miss his maid..... I don't feel like his wife.

I can be so immature

This week has been hard with my husband. He shut down on me, the thoughts for both us this week was "what if". Neither of us want to think about nor deal with it. I can't go there.....it depresses me and I get upset with my husband. He shuts down...we are not even close to this so we need to stay away from it. The next 6 month is going to be hard enough with out including the what if.....

    My oncologist is very positive....he helps me feel like I am winning and he tells me I don't have a choice but to win. 

 Anyway so this week hubby wasn't talking at all and all I did was cry the whole week. (Which doesn't help him want to talk) I said mean things to get him to react which he never did....

    A friend began messaging me. God gave her the words I needed to hear to regain understanding for my husband....I immediately apologized to him. I have reality back but i didn't say i wasn't still being childish....during this lack of reality episode I de friended hubby on FB...and removed him as showing married. Yes I am being very childish...Now......I am waiting to see how long it takes for him to realize....because he hasn't noticed and because he doesn't have himself acknowledge as married. So yes I am still acting like a baby.......I want the entire world to know he is taken and to back away. Going through what we are I am even more protective that this family is mine!

We don't need anyone trying to be a shoulder for him....we are each others....some of you may think I am being ridiculous but I have seen it happen. I choke normally if you want him have him...but the truth is he is my world.....it completely revolves around him and our children.

Want to write

I want to write every thought but some are so raw that I don't want them here.... I don't need judgement......not all the feelings and thoughts are reality.... Right know reality is hard and words are either being said that hurt or no words are being said that hurts also. Lots of tears are being shed this week.......I am hurting......the one I need most is not there.....he can't hold my hand he can't have me at his side......I don't know why he is upset with me this week. He tried not to be but he is....I can tell because everything I say he shuts me down. He isn't talking to me. He likes to fix everything and he can't fix this... I need him closer now more then ever....we made it through and became closer the last surgery....this time we are scared. It is worse then before. 

I will be a survivor because of him and my kids.....I need him to hold my hand and say I only want you 

Night before

Tomorrow is the day that they will go in and remove the tumor. I have two of my children with me. The other two are with their dad, he has to work so he won't be there. He said him and the boys will come when they are done with work. I am so scared wish he was there but I know he has to make the money well it is there. 

My friend is driving over to be with me and the kids.

Tonight has been easier being I came over and stayed with a friend. She helped me get some papers I need faxed ASAP done. The kids got to swim and ice cream. We talked and talked....I didn't break down once. 

Week Ativan is kicking in good night....

Sunday August 4, 2013

Today we went to church, first time in couple weeks. I didn't realize how much anxiety i was going to have leaving the house. Finally broke down and took my medicine for the anxiety. 

I am glad I went though,  our pastors with the whole church family prayed with laying hands. I need God and prayer so much right now.

Day was going pretty good rearranged the utility room so that it works the way I want. Then went into the bathroom to organize and unpack. This simple task broke me into a sobbing mess, then I was mad again. Mad at the world, all over my hot rollers. Then my hair coloring stuff. One thought leads to another....which then makes me so mad. 

Thoughts I need to chase away....

Where to begin?

I have so many thoughts going through my head. I know I need to find the positive fighting one. Since the news and hearing the statistics, I have a hard time getting out of the depression it has caused. 

I look at my children and realize the times that have been thrown away....I have four of the most beautiful children in the world . My husband is one that I begin to wonder why did I argue so much with him. Everything seems so unimportant anymore. They all need to know I cherish them.

I know I need to find my positive place and stay there! Positive happy thoughts is what is going to fight this battle. I am at our LORDS feet begging Him. Allow me to be here for my children until they are grown. I love my husband I really really do. Everything is to soon, we are not ready 5 years is to short!

Joy Dare April 26

I have fallen behind in the Joy Dare Challenge this week....Have been very busy preparing for the very special weekend.

I was going to play catch up on the days but decided to just pick up... so today is
3 Gifts Moving......
    - God's will for my life I have seen him move barricades this year.
    - my children healthy full of energy, I am so blessed with my 4.
    - my husband when I think there is no door to walk through he comes and makes it all ok.

MAYS in the NEWS!

http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2013-04-25/entertainment/os-mays-concert-bob-carr-20130425_1_concert-central-florida-youth-orchestra-music-education

I am so excited the picture they used is the one I took at our last rehearsal. WOW!
 I had forgotten to take any pictures. I happened to be walking by and saw all 200 together and was so moved hearing them all come together, performing Mondo Rondo by Daniel May. Which will be premiering this Sunday at Bob Carr. To see more pictures of the 200+ students you can go to  MAYS fb page."

My family loves being apart of the MAYS. I just can not say enough of how enjoyable it is to be around such wonderful people. The Artistic Directors, the Program Manager to the MAYS families each and every person has made the last 3 years a blessing. As for my children and their music, they each have grown so much their knowledge and form with their instruments. I love how they want to practice and strive to improve  themselves without me having to force, nag or demand. I have never heard anyone at MAYS ever speak to a student in any negative way. It is always positive and building, makes it well worth our drive for our family.

Inspiring powerful day

This picture speaks louder then words. I can tell you how many youth are involved in the Metropolitan Area Youth Symphony, but words just don't give the effect this picture does.
   These are all 200+ at our final rehearsal practicing Mondo Rondo by Daniel May. Which will be their finale at Bob Carr this Sunday April 28th.
Very emotional hearing them all come together from MAYS Orlando, MAYS Lake County and MAYS at your schools. Especially the little little ones they are adorable.

Now some mommy boosting, my youngest is the littles concertmaster. Just makes my heart swell watching her play. I also have 3 boys performing viola, cello and violin.

Many of us have been working diligently on pulling this whole event together burning midnight oil together. Just wish I had the words to describe how exciting this whole event at Bob Carr is to all of us.

Joy dare April 20, 2013

A gift stacked, stashed, stilled
- work that has been stacked on my finally done
- The Lord word is stashed in my heart
- Lords peace gives me still feeling in times of stress and change

Joy Dare April 19, 2013

3 gifts square....
- my bed..... Always nice to lay down when not feeling well. Love the comfort it gives every night
- tv tonight that has kept us up to date on Boston where I grew up
- THE BIBLE....precious to have Gods word right my hand daily

FOR TODAY
April 18, 2013

Outside my window...
The sun is very bright, actually blinding as you walk out and very warm.

I am thinking...
About MAYSFEST at Bob Carr on April 28th. The upcoming dress rehearsal this Sunday.

I am thankful...
for doctors and medicine. My children and I were very sick with bacterial infections this past week.

In the kitchen...
Roast with potato and carrots

I am wearing...
sundress that is black and white

I am creating...
Signs for the MAYSFEST also attendance sheets

I am going...
now where today at all, tomorrow eye doctor over contacts just are not 100% yet

I am wondering...
about my plans for school next year... when we will actually start since we are taking the whole summer off this year. To many changes are happening this summer I need to concentrate on.. 

I am reading...
I actually am not reading I keep looking at different books and thinking about it,,,but time is full.

I am hoping...
All goes well on April 28th Bob Carr is a big deal for everyone with the Metropolitan Area Youth Symphony

I am looking forward to...
April 28th, 

I am learning..
how to relax and enjoy my children more, life is so short they grow to fast

Around the house...
cleaning being done to wipe all our germs out

I am pondering...
our plans for the week of summer camp, we turned it in to vacation last year and it was so nice. 

A favorite quote for today...
You Must........Adjust.....
Mr. Jonathan May

One of my favorite things...
hearing my children play their music

A few plans for the rest of the week:
eye doctor, pick up item for MAYSFEST

A peek into my day...

Join us with the Simple Daybook

Joy Dare April 18th

2 gifts inherited....
~ grandfather clock from Matt's grandmother
~ family values from parents that demonstrated family importance
~ Jesus word shared from my husbands childhood and now being shared with my children from their grandmother.

Joy Dare April 17th

3 gifts woven together.....
~ last gift given to me from my husbands grandmother before she passed. G.G crocheted a beautiful afghan and gave it to me the Christmas just before she passed. I will treasure it for ever.
~ cloth that Jesus was covered with, that was left behind when he rose from his tomb.
~ smaller size clothing....praying to keep loosing.

Joy Dare April 16, 2013

3 hard Eucharisteos
First I had to look up Eucharisteo
- I have several things to be thankful for... Ann's word is Hard.
Hmmmm......hard to be thankful for?
- my in laws has not been easy over the years, many times they have been a blessing. I am thankful we have them.
- the colon cancer...this is hard for me to be thankful for....but with what happened changed things with my family...for the better.
- my life experiences this is extremely hard to be thankful for...abuse.... It has made me who I am.

Joy Dare April 15, 2013

3 gifts in a bag, in a box and in a book
- this week a tea bag has held a sweet gift of comfort while sick.
- in a box what comes to mind is medicine that is taking away the infection and pain.
- in book.....why if course Jesus sweet words in the Bible

Joy dare April 14

3 gifts found looking up
- one of the most important to my family are the stars in the sky.
- the birds that give us great joy from their songs and dances
- the grey clouds that will be bringing rain we much need

Joy dare April 13

3 gifts bright
- the sun God made when he made day and night
- the light that shines from having God's love
- candles flame that dances in the dark

Joy Dare April 12

3 gifts worn
- my wedding ring....sign of promises made 18 years ago
- smaller size clothes and desire to go down 2 more
- the grace of our Lords daily forgiveness

Joy Dare April 11, 2013

3 gifts that are budding/blooming
- my first thought are my children everyday they seem to be budding everyday.
- the flowers and trees all around us love the signs of spring
- after 18 years with my husband our relationship still has blooms, after my scare with cancer we have grown closer.

Joy Dare April 10, 2013

3 gifts opened up
- my windows being open allowing a beautiful spring breeze in
- a bag a dark chocolate Hersey Kiss's
- children that let me know they are comfortable opening up to me with out fear.

April 9, 2013

Joy Dare......
Wow another one that is making me dig deep...... And look around.
Today A Gift Hiding, Held and Heard.
1. Hiding .... My secret candy for those days either it is chocolate or a drink.
2. Each and every one of my babies
3. When my best friend of over 20 years shared Jesus with me, 20 years ago.

April 8, 2013

Today Joy Dare is 3 gifts Rising Up
Had to do some thinking about "rising up", what is rising up? Then it hit me.....
1.The beautiful sun every morning
2. The flowers out of the ground, as a child crocus's rising up in the snow was such a wonderful sight. It meant spring was almost here then the daffodils and tulips....missing the north.
3. The natural springs all over Florida, clean fresh water, just so pure.

April 7th Joy Dare

3 gifts waited for....
I tried and waited and begged and prayed for a baby. I so wanted children, 10 years later Lord blessed me with my first son.
The truck I have liked since 2000, and we own it! No payments it is a 2001 and I have had it now 2 years. And will hold on for ever to it.
A husband that can take charge and not afraid what anyone thinks of him for being the man of our family.

Joy dare challenge

http://www.aholyexperience.com/joy-dares/

I want to change, I want to see more blessings. This is a wonderful way to form a habit. Everyday you name 3 gifts, I could do it in a journal but decided to share it on here and encourage others to take the challenge.
April 6
3 gift nailed together....
Jesus on the cross for my sin
Our fence the lines the 5 acres
Bookcases for all the books we read and dream about reading soon.

A proud mama

Wow what a super surprise that my boy!

So moving to see our son on the cover....makes a mama's heart swell. This is just the cherry on top of this year. I have watched my son grow in his cello playing this year tremendously.

Spring....!

Every spring my boys seem to find the baby bunnies. Living on 5 acres you would think that it would be hard to catch the bunnies. Not for my boys, well yesterday as my oldest was mowing he found several. We now have a baby bunny in the baby duck and chick cage.

They know it is only temporary the wild instinct as he gets older will call for his freedom. Meantime, another baby to raise.

Changing

Since we began homeschooling we have used Saxon, Wordly Wise, LLATL. Last year I changed up a little with comprehension book studies, we did more group studies. This year I went back to the old way, just not happy. I have as on that hates math with a passion.....he is really good at it! Since I let him stop his saxon and jsut iuse worksheets as his new book arrives he is happy. No more arguing, I am switching him to Developmental Math, he is looking forward to it's arrival. We are also doing away with wordly wise, no one here likes it, this is what we are switching to megawords. Then last we are going to try out growing with grammar writing. Then we will go back to book studies plus Mystery of History vol 1 and Apologia Physical Science. Everything besides math will be done as a group, I have found it is the only way the work gets finished and correctly. The writing showed up yesterday I am excited after looking at it. None of this work has to wait on me either so if I have a day that work is keeping me from schooling my guys can work on their own or together.

Long road

I don't know what to think anymore, finding a dr to do the last surgery has been very long and at times stressful. I did find a dr, was not sure of then they cancelled twice with me having to waiting a month in between. Anyways I finally did see the dr, and he was nice but at the sametime he was very demeaning towards me. He treated me like I love to have surgery fort he attention, then when I said I wanted to dicuss things with my husband. He turned around and said that some women like to wait so they can build up the attention and drag it out over months.
   I just wanted to cry, seriously....why would anyone (and yes I do know there are some out there) want to be put through surgery and all the puking and pain. Only thing I want is to be alive....I have 4 children, I want to watch them grow up. I just survived colon cancer, my risk of the ovarian cyst being cancerous increases.

I am prayer each day, God has been there and has taken care of me. I must keep the faith for this problem that if it is needing removed God will provide the means and the Dr.

Hard to believe this began July 5th, 2012 with a serious infected kidney stone. I praise God for that stone, it was that stone that saved my life.