Lost and trying to find my in The Lord.....

I am siting outside listening to Kari Jobe....working on worshipping OUR ALL MIGHTY. Man fails us especially when we need them. 

   I have been deeply hurt and have tried all week to let go....yesterday I was disappointed he went off with Collin. I had a good day with my other 3. But I thought we were doing everything as a family. It feels as if there are 2 families under this roof at times. So I went to the store on barely anything to get us through a week. I didn't get chocolate cake. Well now I will get nothing I want, he says. I say I don't anyways. I can list them......actually I did, I know I was wrong. Well so he is back to just turning me off.....I want to scream.....I needed you where were you, your damn cake is in the same place!!!!! I need him to love me....and I don't believe he can...now that I really need him, I am wondering have I had my head in the sand. Have I just been giving him all his desires to keep peace and to get the crumbs from it. I have to look for the caring and love out of him. 

    I heard him playing on the jeep last night, I came out to take part in the fun. They stopped.....he wanted his coffee he asked for that I forgot to bring out to him.

I want to runaway....my children are what keep me from running. The urge is so bad to run......I don't know even if I ran it would effect him....he would miss his maid..... I don't feel like his wife.

I can be so immature

This week has been hard with my husband. He shut down on me, the thoughts for both us this week was "what if". Neither of us want to think about nor deal with it. I can't go there.....it depresses me and I get upset with my husband. He shuts down...we are not even close to this so we need to stay away from it. The next 6 month is going to be hard enough with out including the what if.....

    My oncologist is very positive....he helps me feel like I am winning and he tells me I don't have a choice but to win. 

 Anyway so this week hubby wasn't talking at all and all I did was cry the whole week. (Which doesn't help him want to talk) I said mean things to get him to react which he never did....

    A friend began messaging me. God gave her the words I needed to hear to regain understanding for my husband....I immediately apologized to him. I have reality back but i didn't say i wasn't still being childish....during this lack of reality episode I de friended hubby on FB...and removed him as showing married. Yes I am being very childish...Now......I am waiting to see how long it takes for him to realize....because he hasn't noticed and because he doesn't have himself acknowledge as married. So yes I am still acting like a baby.......I want the entire world to know he is taken and to back away. Going through what we are I am even more protective that this family is mine!

We don't need anyone trying to be a shoulder for him....we are each others....some of you may think I am being ridiculous but I have seen it happen. I choke normally if you want him have him...but the truth is he is my world.....it completely revolves around him and our children.

Want to write

I want to write every thought but some are so raw that I don't want them here.... I don't need judgement......not all the feelings and thoughts are reality.... Right know reality is hard and words are either being said that hurt or no words are being said that hurts also. Lots of tears are being shed this week.......I am hurting......the one I need most is not there.....he can't hold my hand he can't have me at his side......I don't know why he is upset with me this week. He tried not to be but he is....I can tell because everything I say he shuts me down. He isn't talking to me. He likes to fix everything and he can't fix this... I need him closer now more then ever....we made it through and became closer the last surgery....this time we are scared. It is worse then before. 

I will be a survivor because of him and my kids.....I need him to hold my hand and say I only want you 

Night before

Tomorrow is the day that they will go in and remove the tumor. I have two of my children with me. The other two are with their dad, he has to work so he won't be there. He said him and the boys will come when they are done with work. I am so scared wish he was there but I know he has to make the money well it is there. 

My friend is driving over to be with me and the kids.

Tonight has been easier being I came over and stayed with a friend. She helped me get some papers I need faxed ASAP done. The kids got to swim and ice cream. We talked and talked....I didn't break down once. 

Week Ativan is kicking in good night....

Sunday August 4, 2013

Today we went to church, first time in couple weeks. I didn't realize how much anxiety i was going to have leaving the house. Finally broke down and took my medicine for the anxiety. 

I am glad I went though,  our pastors with the whole church family prayed with laying hands. I need God and prayer so much right now.

Day was going pretty good rearranged the utility room so that it works the way I want. Then went into the bathroom to organize and unpack. This simple task broke me into a sobbing mess, then I was mad again. Mad at the world, all over my hot rollers. Then my hair coloring stuff. One thought leads to another....which then makes me so mad. 

Thoughts I need to chase away....

Where to begin?

I have so many thoughts going through my head. I know I need to find the positive fighting one. Since the news and hearing the statistics, I have a hard time getting out of the depression it has caused. 

I look at my children and realize the times that have been thrown away....I have four of the most beautiful children in the world . My husband is one that I begin to wonder why did I argue so much with him. Everything seems so unimportant anymore. They all need to know I cherish them.

I know I need to find my positive place and stay there! Positive happy thoughts is what is going to fight this battle. I am at our LORDS feet begging Him. Allow me to be here for my children until they are grown. I love my husband I really really do. Everything is to soon, we are not ready 5 years is to short!