Healing...

This has been a long healing process. 8 weeks has never felt so long. 

I have just passed the 4 week point. This surgery has been emotionally hard and physically. 

I stopped taking the pain meds prescribed, didn't like the effects, I also would over do and make the pain worse.

Through this surgery, I have struggled with the what ifs and fears. To the point that my anxiety and depression effected me. 

Jesus never turned away. Jesus spoke loudly! 

At the surgeon I was whining over the depression and anxiety. Dr said you DO NOT need those meds. Only thing you need is to be back in church being thankful and praising. 

  Dr didn't know I wasn't attending...

I heard I went...that morning worship song blood of Jesus white as snow. 

In Sunday school, another reminder. Reflect back on all Jesus has all ready done.

Jesus has done so much, he has provided all...

I haven't forgotten what He has done. I am struggling with trust....not knowing our Lords plan. I know mine and His doesn't always match. I beg Him allow me to be cancer free, allow me to live life with my children, allow me to be here for them as they grow into adults, marry have children. Allow me to be a grandma.....

Working on regaining total faith and trust. HIS WORKS DO SHOW HIS LOVE!!!!

One week post surgery.

Well the surgeon wouldn't let me wait he made me go in Sept 24, to have my lower right lung lobe removed. 

  It was a good thing that the surgeon didn't let me put off. The tumor had doubled again. April it is 4 mm and stable, at August 30 scan it was 9mm x 5mm, and on Sept 24, 1.5x1x1 cm.

The tumor woke with vengeance.

Pathology report showed no lymph node involvement still. Praise God!!! 

  All I can do is pray that the second chemo worked killing any radical cells floating around my body. Since none of the dr can explain how it is metastasising without lymph nodes involvement. 

   God knows and he can heal it and make it all come to an end. 

   I will not be having chemo again, mentally, emotionally I can't handle it a third time. Plus all markers are clean, so doctor says we just watch and pray.

     Meantime, my rib cage hates me the area at the bottom of my ribs feels like I have been beaten, kicked and run over. 

The huge incision is closed and is healing nice the tube hole is almost closed. Most of the healing over the next two months is internal. The scars on the other hand are constant reminders of this battle. There are you on your way home days they make be feel like an fighter and survivor, other days I cry over them at what I have had to do.

Right now I am in between the not completely bed ridden but not completely able to do. Most aggravating for me because I want to get back into living.

Here we go again..

         My last chemo was in January. April scan was the same, one spot listed as stable. The oncologist said we will scan you in 6 months, I said no we won't. So we meant in the middle at 4 months. Glad I said no, the scan revealed the spot is no longer stable. In fact has already doubled in size.
         Choice of treatment radiation or surgery. In my head radiation is last resort. I opted for surgery, plus I said, " I want to be cancer free and no longer have this over my head". He said, " surgery will do that, you will be cancer free."
         Tuesday, I saw the surgeon. Harder news then I thought it would be. It isn't being done by VATS. He needs to open my side up clean out scare tissue from last year. Spread the rips and take the whole lower right lobe of the lung.
I will be needing oxygen for a while he said not for ever. Will be a 2 month recovery, and I will be in lots of pain. He will have me on pain meds but nothing will take it away, the pain will be bad. He will also biopsy the lymph nodes to makes sure that the lymph system is still not involved. Terrified...
        I have done a lot of crying, over the mistake the radiologist did last year with this spot. The losing an important organ, the stress from the news.
       
Now all I can do is pray.....Oh Lord hear my prayer...My hearts desire is to watch all my children grow into adults. To be here for my baby girl, as she begins to grow into a young women. So many important days ahead of her that she will want her momma by her side. You have known my heart for my children before I had children. Please allow me to be here for them and to be a grandmother.
Please remove this cancer from my body so I can continue enjoying life with my family, you so blessed me with. I am not ready to come home yet...          

The crossroads...

     Wednesday of the week before this past one. My Oncologist office calls, stating they need a referral to see me or I would be considered a self pay. They called a week before my appointment so I would have time to get the referral.  Well I called the insurance right away they gave me five doctors in the area to call. Meantime I put a call into my old primary to find out if the doctor that replaced her would see me.
     Now this is happening on Friday late afternoon. I stopped calling around due to the new dr in my old primary called and made appointment for me saying yes we take that, not a problem lets get you in right away so you don't miss your oncologist. I made arrangements for my children, including get one to orchestra. Drove 30 minutes one way to the Dr, to be told we wont see you. That I was given the wrong information the insurance isn't excepted. Come to find that afternoon and the next morning, there is only one doctor that takes it in the whole area.
  This one doctor in the whole area that takes the insurance doesn't return calls. Now it is Wednesday morning, I must cancel my oncologist appointment. They give me a week and two doctors names in their area that refer to them. Thursday and Friday were crazy days with end of the year concert, so Monday I will be calling and seeing how long it will be to be seen.
     Meantime, I am praying and telling myself to trust in the Lord. Lord provided all the medical coverage and care needed so far, even when I wouldn't go he caused me to go....not sure what this trial is about. I need to be confident I am good, I am in remission and there is no need to worry about death, growth or spreading of this stupid cancer.......
      The biggest is not to get angry over all the forcing of the people to have insurance, but no enforcement for doctors to take the insurance.
      How is this fixing the health system?

Another scan

Another scan down....called Dr. Today and he said it looked good. 

   Then why do I want to cry? 

I should be happy, but I don't feel out of the woods yet.

Continued story...

Was on my 43rd birthday. As I was waking, the dr. is called in. They made sure I was not alone. During the endoscope she found a cancerous tumor. It looked like a polyp and she cut into it, right away she stopped and sent it off to lab. With in days it was confirmed, but she didn't wait she already had the references going for surgery. 

  CT scans were done, and I was in surgery with in a couple weeks. The surgeon cut me from belly button to pelvic bone, 6" of my colon was removed. I was blessed it all went beautiful he was able to resect no temp bag was needed. The recovery after coming home was hard, turned out I had Cdiff and UtI. I knew something wasn't right but couldn't figure it out...just knew I was afraid very afraid. These emotions of lost, loneliness and fear were not founded so why was I having them? Barely made it through Sunday, my friend came over prayed with me, and I kept claiming the blood of Jesus. The tears wouldn't stop. Monday morning I knew I needed help, called dr was sent to ER. Needed a ct scan to confirm surgery was having no complications. Thankfully no everything looked beautiful, just infections that needed to be treated. 

  At follow up dr tells me I am T1 which is basically so early cancer that I don't need radiation or chemo. I need to be seen in a year for my follow up endoscope. 

  At 9 months I went in for my one year. Now meantime, we have finally lost our home. We are in middle of packing and moving into a new place that requires a lot of work.

  Dr. Calls to confirm I am coming in for my endoscope. My colon cancer marker is up to 128. Normal is 2.5. 

   I email a friend that is a colon surgeon, he calls me and ask several questions, the answers to them all are no. He says not good enough, don't leave my phone. Within 30 minutes I am scheduled to see an oncologist the next day!

Life full of hills and valleys

If I didn't live the path for the last few years, I wouldn't beleive the story myself.

       When the recession began a few years ago, my family was one on that long hard road. Battling daily to hold onto our home, vehicles and even everyday living. Most of all our faith and love for each other. My husband was always so resourceful, he managed to always come up with money to keep power on for us. The trucks went but he found ways that we always had something. For awhile we were down to one car. Gods beauty and friends with very kind hearts fixed that.
     The house was the hardest, 5 years of battling with the company before we threw in the towel. Finally realizing the company had no intention as the news said to work with the people. (This blog began in that home and on the beautiful land).
    In the meantime, all this, stress my health was being effected. Was sick to my stomach a lot had to begin watching everything I ate. I had all the symptoms of an ulcer. I began having a lot of bleeding kept telling myself hemorrhoids. It was at 3:00am on July 5th, 2012. I was awakened with pain worse then child birth. I had a very inflamed, infected kidney due to a kidney stone. After being hospitalized for 3 days and it blasted out, I went and returned to life.
     My girlfriend asked me what my excuse would be now to not see a dr over my bleeding. My cost share was meant now. I knew she was right and I knew I needed too. You know there is a difference between you knowing you have cancer and the Dr. telling you. The reality I were about to meet.

To be continued...