Healing...

This has been a long healing process. 8 weeks has never felt so long. 

I have just passed the 4 week point. This surgery has been emotionally hard and physically. 

I stopped taking the pain meds prescribed, didn't like the effects, I also would over do and make the pain worse.

Through this surgery, I have struggled with the what ifs and fears. To the point that my anxiety and depression effected me. 

Jesus never turned away. Jesus spoke loudly! 

At the surgeon I was whining over the depression and anxiety. Dr said you DO NOT need those meds. Only thing you need is to be back in church being thankful and praising. 

  Dr didn't know I wasn't attending...

I heard I went...that morning worship song blood of Jesus white as snow. 

In Sunday school, another reminder. Reflect back on all Jesus has all ready done.

Jesus has done so much, he has provided all...

I haven't forgotten what He has done. I am struggling with trust....not knowing our Lords plan. I know mine and His doesn't always match. I beg Him allow me to be cancer free, allow me to live life with my children, allow me to be here for them as they grow into adults, marry have children. Allow me to be a grandma.....

Working on regaining total faith and trust. HIS WORKS DO SHOW HIS LOVE!!!!

One week post surgery.

Well the surgeon wouldn't let me wait he made me go in Sept 24, to have my lower right lung lobe removed. 

  It was a good thing that the surgeon didn't let me put off. The tumor had doubled again. April it is 4 mm and stable, at August 30 scan it was 9mm x 5mm, and on Sept 24, 1.5x1x1 cm.

The tumor woke with vengeance.

Pathology report showed no lymph node involvement still. Praise God!!! 

  All I can do is pray that the second chemo worked killing any radical cells floating around my body. Since none of the dr can explain how it is metastasising without lymph nodes involvement. 

   God knows and he can heal it and make it all come to an end. 

   I will not be having chemo again, mentally, emotionally I can't handle it a third time. Plus all markers are clean, so doctor says we just watch and pray.

     Meantime, my rib cage hates me the area at the bottom of my ribs feels like I have been beaten, kicked and run over. 

The huge incision is closed and is healing nice the tube hole is almost closed. Most of the healing over the next two months is internal. The scars on the other hand are constant reminders of this battle. There are you on your way home days they make be feel like an fighter and survivor, other days I cry over them at what I have had to do.

Right now I am in between the not completely bed ridden but not completely able to do. Most aggravating for me because I want to get back into living.