Little bump in the road

Today I go have a early ct scan. Just a few months shy of my 5 yr anniversary of No Evidence of Disease they found a nodule. It is in my upper right lung lobe. This could be a previous spot that hasn’t been picked up, I have two of these that were no longer showing on scans thanks to chemo. OR, it could be from when I was so sick from December- March. 

I won’t have the answer today and I don’t like calling for results. I wait for my dr appt and we discuss. This time he will look also at the old scans that I have on dvd. 

Am I worried? I would be lying if I said no not at all. Truth is it is part of my life now. I always have the thought in the back of my head. I have faith in Jesus and he has guided me this whole time. I believe if this is cancer again it is early and will be removed.  

What I have learned is I can’t control the road ahead. I can only lean on Jesus and pray then forge ahead. How do I know if it is Gods will? Well on this journey I have had doors closed and doors open. I have had easy paths and hard paths. The easy is alway after I tried on my own power, then broke and cried out to Him. 

I pray this is not cancer again, I DO NOT want the pain that comes with it all. Seven surgeries have left there marks. Not just all the scars but inside also unseen effects that I feel physically, mentally and emotionally. 

I am on a road to healing not going to let this stop me. 

2012 now today

I just went back reading my blog looking for the date. The date that changed my world, my families world.
Hard to believe the journey really began July 4th 2012. It was June 2013 when it became very dark. Told I had 5 years chances of survival were against me. Well I am here 2020!
I have had a colon resection, then cdiff and a uti. Gallbladder removed, then liver resection 20% of liver removed. First round of chemo, hospitalized twice with that. Then Vats surgery to left and right side lungs. Back on chemo, into remission for a few  months. To have tumor wake up and grow rapidly. This tumor cost me my lower right lung. Worst surgery ever was 2015 and still have nerve damage and issues. I was able to overcome nephropathy and many other side effects but this last surgery has left me with physical reminders of the path I have taken.

I read my words of hurt, loss and fear. They bring tears to my eyes today. The scares are here and I deal with them all the time. I know I was in Jesus hand the whole time, I could feel him, I spoke to him every second of the day. How to describe? My physical part was terrified, terrified of not being here for my children. Terrified they would be growing up without me. Fear was eating me alive. Dying wasn't what I was afraid of it was only of leaving my children without a mother.

Now today Stay at home orders, covid 19. I have a house full with all colleges and closed. And two still working. I am not afraid at all. My Heavenly Father is here. Cancer changed me in many ways. The first is bringing me closer to Him, knowing he really is alive. What I am doing slowing down, enjoying all my children, laughing with them. But let’s be real also, shut in the house 24/7 together we have our spats. We are all adjusting. This weekend I had my grand babies here, was like when everyone was little. I had a full bed Sunday morning. Everyone came in climber up and laid relaxing,

Looking for blessings

Cello Concerto in E Minor, Op.85 performed by Jonathan Dills