2012 now today

I just went back reading my blog looking for the date. The date that changed my world, my families world.
Hard to believe the journey really began July 4th 2012. It was June 2013 when it became very dark. Told I had 5 years chances of survival were against me. Well I am here 2020!
I have had a colon resection, then cdiff and a uti. Gallbladder removed, then liver resection 20% of liver removed. First round of chemo, hospitalized twice with that. Then Vats surgery to left and right side lungs. Back on chemo, into remission for a few  months. To have tumor wake up and grow rapidly. This tumor cost me my lower right lung. Worst surgery ever was 2015 and still have nerve damage and issues. I was able to overcome nephropathy and many other side effects but this last surgery has left me with physical reminders of the path I have taken.

I read my words of hurt, loss and fear. They bring tears to my eyes today. The scares are here and I deal with them all the time. I know I was in Jesus hand the whole time, I could feel him, I spoke to him every second of the day. How to describe? My physical part was terrified, terrified of not being here for my children. Terrified they would be growing up without me. Fear was eating me alive. Dying wasn't what I was afraid of it was only of leaving my children without a mother.

Now today Stay at home orders, covid 19. I have a house full with all colleges and closed. And two still working. I am not afraid at all. My Heavenly Father is here. Cancer changed me in many ways. The first is bringing me closer to Him, knowing he really is alive. What I am doing slowing down, enjoying all my children, laughing with them. But let’s be real also, shut in the house 24/7 together we have our spats. We are all adjusting. This weekend I had my grand babies here, was like when everyone was little. I had a full bed Sunday morning. Everyone came in climber up and laid relaxing,

Looking for blessings

Cello Concerto in E Minor, Op.85 performed by Jonathan Dills

Making time to blog

I have missed writing. Fb is easy and quick so post there more often. This here is almost like a dairy for me and for my children.
Since my last post many things have occur had two scares and another surgery. I have stepped down form volunteering at school. I have basically changed doing anything outside of the home. My husband after last summer event saw that I needed to be slowed down. The blessing is I have a husband that isn’t afraid to speak up and tell me enough is enough.
I will need to post the different things I have been doing quilts, glitter cups, shirts, grand babies. YES! You did read that right I am a grand ma. The Lord answered another prayer. My oldest is married and I have a grand son and now a grand daughter.
Sometimes when I read back on the prayers I get scared because my blessings are over flowing. I rejoice being so blessed the scare is they are so abundant when will it crack?
So I don’t spend time thinking I just rejoice in the blessing. My grand son is 3 and he is so sweet.
He is here right now love him so much he is sitting in his size rocker, he put a pillow behind is back like memaw does. Rocking and watching Cars 2.

Healing...

This has been a long healing process. 8 weeks has never felt so long. 

I have just passed the 4 week point. This surgery has been emotionally hard and physically. 

I stopped taking the pain meds prescribed, didn't like the effects, I also would over do and make the pain worse.

Through this surgery, I have struggled with the what ifs and fears. To the point that my anxiety and depression effected me. 

Jesus never turned away. Jesus spoke loudly! 

At the surgeon I was whining over the depression and anxiety. Dr said you DO NOT need those meds. Only thing you need is to be back in church being thankful and praising. 

  Dr didn't know I wasn't attending...

I heard I went...that morning worship song blood of Jesus white as snow. 

In Sunday school, another reminder. Reflect back on all Jesus has all ready done.

Jesus has done so much, he has provided all...

I haven't forgotten what He has done. I am struggling with trust....not knowing our Lords plan. I know mine and His doesn't always match. I beg Him allow me to be cancer free, allow me to live life with my children, allow me to be here for them as they grow into adults, marry have children. Allow me to be a grandma.....

Working on regaining total faith and trust. HIS WORKS DO SHOW HIS LOVE!!!!

One week post surgery.

Well the surgeon wouldn't let me wait he made me go in Sept 24, to have my lower right lung lobe removed. 

  It was a good thing that the surgeon didn't let me put off. The tumor had doubled again. April it is 4 mm and stable, at August 30 scan it was 9mm x 5mm, and on Sept 24, 1.5x1x1 cm.

The tumor woke with vengeance.

Pathology report showed no lymph node involvement still. Praise God!!! 

  All I can do is pray that the second chemo worked killing any radical cells floating around my body. Since none of the dr can explain how it is metastasising without lymph nodes involvement. 

   God knows and he can heal it and make it all come to an end. 

   I will not be having chemo again, mentally, emotionally I can't handle it a third time. Plus all markers are clean, so doctor says we just watch and pray.

     Meantime, my rib cage hates me the area at the bottom of my ribs feels like I have been beaten, kicked and run over. 

The huge incision is closed and is healing nice the tube hole is almost closed. Most of the healing over the next two months is internal. The scars on the other hand are constant reminders of this battle. There are you on your way home days they make be feel like an fighter and survivor, other days I cry over them at what I have had to do.

Right now I am in between the not completely bed ridden but not completely able to do. Most aggravating for me because I want to get back into living.

Here we go again..

         My last chemo was in January. April scan was the same, one spot listed as stable. The oncologist said we will scan you in 6 months, I said no we won't. So we meant in the middle at 4 months. Glad I said no, the scan revealed the spot is no longer stable. In fact has already doubled in size.
         Choice of treatment radiation or surgery. In my head radiation is last resort. I opted for surgery, plus I said, " I want to be cancer free and no longer have this over my head". He said, " surgery will do that, you will be cancer free."
         Tuesday, I saw the surgeon. Harder news then I thought it would be. It isn't being done by VATS. He needs to open my side up clean out scare tissue from last year. Spread the rips and take the whole lower right lobe of the lung.
I will be needing oxygen for a while he said not for ever. Will be a 2 month recovery, and I will be in lots of pain. He will have me on pain meds but nothing will take it away, the pain will be bad. He will also biopsy the lymph nodes to makes sure that the lymph system is still not involved. Terrified...
        I have done a lot of crying, over the mistake the radiologist did last year with this spot. The losing an important organ, the stress from the news.
       
Now all I can do is pray.....Oh Lord hear my prayer...My hearts desire is to watch all my children grow into adults. To be here for my baby girl, as she begins to grow into a young women. So many important days ahead of her that she will want her momma by her side. You have known my heart for my children before I had children. Please allow me to be here for them and to be a grandmother.
Please remove this cancer from my body so I can continue enjoying life with my family, you so blessed me with. I am not ready to come home yet...